{"id":1858,"date":"2023-06-04T16:22:00","date_gmt":"2023-06-04T20:22:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ivanhimanen.com\/crisesofdocumentation\/?p=1858"},"modified":"2023-06-04T16:22:00","modified_gmt":"2023-06-04T20:22:00","slug":"lights-up-bitches","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ivanhimanen.com\/crisesofdocumentation\/lights-up-bitches\/","title":{"rendered":"Lights Up, Bitches"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

This is a work of fiction. It was given Honorable Mention for the As Seen On [] writing contest for Urban Omnibus in 2016.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

I am the meanest mother in Kings. Other Method Man, they call me. But even that\u2019s a short sell, because I don\u2019t just De Niro that shit. I make it real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sure, it started with Taxi Driver: mirror on my bedroom door, monologue, massacre. I nailed it, right down to the blood dripping off my forefinger as I pointed it at my temple.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I didn\u2019t stop there. I did community service, expanded my repertoire. I delivered mail. Bartended at Delmano. Fixed cars. Led walking tours around Dumbo. Played a blind man on Fulton Mall for a few months, got lots of young bucks to shut up about their sex lives and help me across empty streets. Sold fruit to suits on Court Street with record sales. Wore an NYPD badge and arrested a wanted criminal. The Kings Daily put me in their culture pages after my turn as a billionaire running for president. Called me the brilliant<\/em> Abe Funt. The new face of Facebook.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s right. A little company called Facebook. Heard of it? $1,000,000,000,000, $170 a share. The world\u2019s biggest real-media conglomerate. The company that sponsors thousands of real life events every minute of every day around the world. Parties. Protests. Shootings. Sports. Churches. They do it all. And I\u2019m its newest star actor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You. Yeah, you with your heads down. All you amateurs dreaming other people\u2019s dreams. Lights up, bitches. Look up from your scripts, maybe you\u2019ll learn a thing or two from the master.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I pay my bill at the bar and leave, picturing the bartender doing a double take at the two perfectly unwrinkled Franklins under the glass. Facebook does direct deposit, but nothing\u2019s better than having them send you an envelope of money that still smells like the machine that made it. It\u2019s how I roll.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Williamsburg is aflutter with amateurs out to catch the last hours of sunlight, strutting around like penguins on an ice floe, getting scandalously early drinks with lovers and BFFs. All on their phones. They\u2019re reading the evening\u2019s scripts. I can tell the ones that are \u201cstaging\u201d (acting a scene out as directed & sponsored by whichever media giant) apart from those that aren\u2019t. Man, they suck even when they\u2019re being paid. Can\u2019t even memorize lines. Looking up\u2014saying a sentence\u2014looking down again\u2014a minute of silence\u2014looking up\u2014yaaah I know right? \u2014and back down again. Dropping in and out of character like frightened deer. Whoever is staging these should include a bold sentence at the top of each script: Do not leave the house until you 1) research the scene & location, 2) memorize your lines, 3) know your character.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My phone rings, I check the message.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Great work in the bar. Our Tech Team just uploaded the video. 9,000 views in 5 minutes.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then a second message.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Short notice I know, but can you come in for an audition? Smth new, smth big, fits you. Let me know asap if you can make it. Thanks, VJ Kim, Facebook Staging Team.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cha-ching.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I stop by Roshan\u2019s on Broadway and buy a pack of cigarettes. A good pro\u2019s tool. Also I have a scene scheduled later this week for American Spirits. They\u2019re sending me to a show at the Music Hall, but not to go inside, just to hang at the entry doors, chat with the bouncers (they\u2019ll be staging too) and offer cigarettes to every impressionable teenager that passes by. They came to me for my coolness. Easy money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Outside, Muhammad the local hobo approaches me. His better roles are behind him. Used to wrap newspapers and refill the coffeepot at Grab N Go on 164th<\/sup> Street, but now he\u2019s gone indie. I respect that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMister Funt! You are going to a big role today?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, my man. Big role. The ultimate role.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cUltimate. That means like super cool yes?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLike \u2018super cool,\u2019 and also like \u2018final.\u2019\u201d I drop a quarter in his cup, because quarters are the noisiest money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Downtown Bushwick. You\u2019d have thought they saw it coming. I guess the jaundiced light pollution wasn\u2019t such a new thing, neither were the metal-clad apartment complexes built on Orthodox Jewish land. That 80-story tower, though\u2026 that really snuck up. It rises into blackness without competition (except for the other Freedom Phallus across the East River), smooth, bulbous, like a giant chess piece. A pawn. A blue glow emanates from it like from the inside of a nuclear reactor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My ears pop in the elevator on the way to the top floor. I step out into a colorful but modest lobby: just four lounge chairs, tablets on a side table, an enormous lower-case \u201cf\u201d scrolling by on an LED screen on the back wall, and one busy receptionist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLog in, please.\u201d She says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I type in my name and password, a pleasant gong turns the screen border green and a voice says:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWelcome, Abe. Please go to Room E2.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I look up over the desk but the receptionist is already typing away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VJ Kim is a hipster on a power trip. His handshake is poorly calibrated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHello Abe! Glad you could make it on such short notice.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s nice to finally meet you. You\u2019ve got such a modest office,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell, you know, I\u2019m a man of the people. Plus, since Facebook is spearheading the freelancer economy, and our entire workforce is out there, we hardly even need this office. But it represents some core conservative values we have. Privacy. Hierarchy. It\u2019s unfashionable, but I like having a separate place to do my most important conference calls, write my most important emails, and audition my most valued employees.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This sleazebag sounds like someone\u2019s uncle. Privacy? A separate workplace? Like, a work-place<\/em>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEveryone thought that increased regulation would mean increased paranoia. Increased scrutiny would lead to stifled action. That the spider\u2019s web of data spun daily by our users would glue us in our places, afraid of doing or saying the slightest offensive thing. They were wrong, they did not know how liberated we would become\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He\u2019s looking out the window, squinting meaningfully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHaving limitations is liberating. Frameworks and scripts are liberating. Core conservative values are liberating<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He points out, toward New York Harbor, where the Samsung Statue of Liberty glows gently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou see her? She\u2019s holding a script. When I realized that I realized what America is all about.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I look out over the harbor too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy great great grandfather came through Ellis Island\u2026\u201d I say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh yeah? What roles did he take? Maybe I\u2019ve heard of some.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHe was an electrician. Then a professor at Brooklyn College.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAah, yes. Extras are important. Unions. Matinees. Hard work.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yeesh, this guy. I decide not to mention my grandfather, and the whole Candid Camera thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnyway, blah blah,\u201d he snaps back in place, \u201cWhy you\u2019re here\u2026. Impressive portfolio. Years of quality work. You\u2019ve become a brand unto yourself as much as unto us. We saw the video of the bar scene from this afternoon. Loved it. Loved your use of \u2018amateur.\u2019 So now we want to make you an offer\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSorry, can I interrupt real quick? Who\u2019s we<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe the people<\/em>, Abe. Facebook is the people. We have something for you. It might sound like a step backward, but think of it as a promotion. We need a writer. Someone with social edge, promoting power, and experience, who can write our story. You\u2019ll have a title and a management position. You\u2019ll have to shave off acting time though, which I know will be tough at first. You\u2019ll also have to sever ties with our competitors, dedicate all your work to us. But we want more people like you, giving insight to what we do here, a glimpse into how Facebook has helped make the world what it is\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then under his breath he mutters one last sentence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow our world is run.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He leans back. He sees that I\u2019ve gone silent. \u201cSleep on it, Abe. Write me tomorrow, alright?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t remember if I said thank you, or if the mood in the room was even amicable anymore when I left. Those five words stuck to my brain like flypaper. How our world is run. <\/em>Who said it was theirs to run?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My phone buzzes the moment I step out onto Myrtle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fwd request\u2014offer for position as Staff Writer at FB. Description: help tell FB\u2019s story, behind-the-scenes sneak peeks, promote the brand with dynamic blog. Room to grow, eventually join Staging Team as screenwriter. Handsome opportunity. Let\u2019s talk tomorrow. VJK.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kings is changing guard at this hour. The young amateurs that were out earlier have mostly gone, and in their place is the older crowd: overly dignified, dressed in black, single pieces of jewelry, political jokes and restrained laughter, gym memberships, Old Fashioneds and Sazeracs. What Kings has decided is the optimal balance between standing out and blending in. It\u2019s all visible at a glance, and it\u2019s what signals me they\u2019re not staging. Just people out having a good time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I see this all out of the corner of my eye. My face is buried in my phone. I read and reread and rereread the brief as I make my way home. I don\u2019t look up at all, until I bump right into someone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHe-hey! It\u2019s the Other Method Man! How\u2019ve you been?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A vaguely familiar face. Clean cut, mocha skin, funky smile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWait. Muhammad? The hobo on Broadway?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHaha! Nailed it. I\u2019ve been looking for you for a couple of hours. How\u2019s it going?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m fully confused but I answer anyhow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGood\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Muhammad looks unconvinced. But he waits for me to speak again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cA little weird, to be honest.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My phone is still illuminated in my hand, and he notices. \u201cSomething with work?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFacebook wants to promote me to a writing position.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWriting<\/em>?? Euugh,\u201d he winces. \u201cWhat, like, scripts?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNot exactly scripts\u2026 some kind of promotional blogging.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYeesh.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI mean, it\u2019s a huge offer, and I would still get to act… sometimes\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll get to act never<\/em>, bro.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I give him a long look. \u201cSo what happened to you? A suit drop you a Franklin or something? And\u2026 you sound different.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He laughs. \u201cMy man! I thought you knew! That was a role I\u2019d been working on for months. Part of a project I\u2019m developing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He senses my surprise and goes on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou were the inspiration, Method Man. Since I first subscribed to your channel I\u2019ve thought this city needs something real. This series is gonna be that. We finally raised money for a pilot and we\u2019re scheduled to start next week. That homeless dude was promotional, a sneak preview.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s it about?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s about the fringe. The marginalized. People who don\u2019t get the privilege to stage, to act in real life for money like most of us in Kings. Their lives are about risk, about life and death, about overcoming real problems without scripts. We basically want to bring these two experiences together.\u201d He spreads his fingers on both hands, and interlaces them. \u201cEveryone deserves to play a part in reality.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It felt like he had just ripped the flypaper off my mind and replaced it with that sentence. Everyone deserves to play a part in reality.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut,\u201d Muhammad says, \u201cwe need a second lead. Someone to bridge the initial gap. I\u2019ve been getting into this character for a while, so I have a head start, but we need someone else able to both memorize lines and improvise, willing to commit to a character for a few months, live in a totally new neighborhood, interact with totally different people, go all De Niro. Put their life on the line. Not a lot of money, but a real chance to do something important. The ultimate role\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He looks at me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhen I heard you say that I realized you were our man. Ultimate<\/em>, like \u2018super cool,\u2019 and like \u2018final\u2019. You interested, Method?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lights up, bitches.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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